


Ephemeral

by MiraclesInApril



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-22 17:58:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7448632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiraclesInApril/pseuds/MiraclesInApril
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They say that the stars shine brightest on the darkest nights. They lied. There were no stars that night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ephemeral

**Author's Note:**

> Cross posted on AFF as a chaptered story but since I've finished writing it, I've decided to post it as a one-shot here. Also, I don't want to post warnings that might give away the story but please know this is very angsty. Thank you for reading.

Scenes in the present will be in this font while flashbacks will be written _in italics like this._

 

*

 

They say that the stars shine brightest on the darkest nights. They lied. There were no stars that night.

Many people probably ask themselves the same questions and Sehun was no different.

'Where did things go wrong?'

' Why did things change so drastically, for the worse?'

'Is it something I did?'

Sehun asked himself these very questions. But what was different that he wasn't thinking out loud, trying to rationalise everything like anyone else might have done, asking themselves these questions. No, Sehun was on his knees in the pouring rain on a starless night while agony ripped him apart and took away his ability to function. Tears and rain drops, gut wrenching sobs and howling wind, it all became one until it was no longer clear which element was making which sound, nature or the sound of Sehun's life falling apart.

 

*

 

 

_**Sehun-ah, how does it look?"** Luhan asked, his bright eyes shining as usual._

_Luhan had stolen one of Sehun's hoodies from his wardrobe and tried it on for the first time. The hoodie was too big on him, far too long, reaching his mid thighs like a scandalous dress. More than that, it looked absolutely adorable. His honey coloured hair was tousled and the sleeves drooped past his fingers, making him look like a toddler trying on his elder siblings' clothes._

_**"You,"** said Sehun, tugged Luhan to him, **"look like you're mine."** Sehun completed, engulfing the shorter male. They stayed like that for what could have been an eternity or what could have been a few seconds, time had no authority when Sehun was with Luhan. The hoodie smelled like Sehun but breathing deeper, Sehun could smell the overwhelming sweetness that was Luhan's distinguishable scent. The two scents fused perfectly and Sehun wanted to stay like that for the rest of their lives. It was definetly, undoubtly, his favourite smell._

 

" Why?" Sehun whispered into the restless night. He got no reply but even if there was one, he wouldn't have heard it over the excruciating pain tearing him into pieces. "Why!" He screamed, a terrible, guttural and absolutely insane cry. In that moment, he was not sane nor human. Overwhelmed with angst, he had coalesced into something quite awful, beastly.

 

*

 

 

_**"I'm Luhan."** the boy beneath Sehun said._

_They were both breathing hard, the force of crashing into each other stealing their breath from them. Sehun realized that the boy currently beneath him that had just introduced himself as Luhan, had the pretties eyes he'd ever seen. They shone like they were lit by some internal light and his face had an ethereal, divine glow._

_**"Sehun,"** Sehun breathed, **"I am Sehun."**_

_Months after they were together, Sehun realized that Luhan had literally crashed into his life. It was the best accident of his life_.

 

No longer having enough strength to be on his knees, he gave up and fell on his face. It didn't matter. The gods weren't even listening to him. And at that point, there was nothing they could even do for him. Sehun tasted the rain soaked grass in his mouth but he made no effort to move. It didn't matter what was in his mouth though, the sweet taste of Luhan was branded into his mouth, scalded onto his tongue, kissed onto his lips. No water could wash it away and no perfume could over-ride its scent. If Sehun had been facing the sky, he'd have seen the lighting streak through the starless sky but he wasn't and all he'd heard was the raucous thunder rumble. And even then, he thought he was hearing the sound of his heart break. No. Not break. Shatter. Irrevocably and infinitely.

 

*

 

 

_**"Sehun-ah, come lie with me."**  Luhan had told Sehun one sunny Saturday afternoon. Sehun moved from his desk where he'd been studying. Moments ago he'd been engrossed in the math equation he'd been solving but Luhan's voice had always been like an inner voice to Sehun, he heard it no matter what, sometimes even when Luhan wasn't there._

_**"Let's talk Sehun-ah."** Luhan said, intertwinning their fingers together and snuggling his face deep into Sehun's chest._

_**"What about?"** Sehun asked, almost chuckling at his boyfriend's cute child-like behaviour and tone._

_" **Anything. Even unimportant things are important when I'm discussing it with you, Sehun-ah."** Luhan said affectionately, moving his head right in front of Sehun's face and nuzzled his nose against Sehun's._

_**"Aish, what am I going to do with you? You're so cheesy, they could practically use your cheesiness to top pizzas for weeks!"** Sehun complained but ran a finger down Luhan's cheek tenderly._

_**"In that case Sehun-ah,"** Luhan said pulling back from the embrace, a slow smile making onto his face while his eyes gleamed with mischief, **"you could**_ _**eat me."** Luhan would finish with a smirk and stare at the dumbfounded look on Sehun's face. _

_Needless to say, the words shared after that were very numbered and the more physical exchanges were uncountable._

 

The rain was beating him down, thunder and lighting decorated the night but neither mattered to Sehun. Suddenly he was angry, as angry as the restless sky. He sat up in a swift motion and began pounding the ground as if he could open it and find the answers he needed, or more likely find the _ **person**_ he needed.

"Luhan!" Sehun screamed. "Luhan, why?" Sehun demanded, both fists pounding the ground like a dream, but he could never beat as fast as his heart was then. He was so _**fucking furious**_ at Luhan. How could he? Did everything mean nothing? He had _ **promised**_ to love him _**forever**_. Forever wasn't over yet. So why did Luhan leave him?

"Luhan!" Sehun screamed, but his voice was much quieter now, it lost the heat. It was more desperate, pleading, remorseful. His knuckles hurt, his hand ached but ache and pain had become an extened ligment of his and it no longer felt foreign. He welcomed the pain but his frustration stayed. He kept hitting the solid ground, waiting for it to weaken like him but it never did even soddened by the rain and eventually it was Sehun's strength that was drained.

"L-Luhan? L-L-Luhan-ah?" Sehun choked, praying for all this to be a nightmare and that anytime soon, his honey haired Deer would shake him awake and kiss the reminants of the nightmare away. The only thing that shook was the ground, as the sky rumbled again.

 

*

 

 

_**"Sehun-ah, it's too bright in here. Pull down the blinds please."** Luhan requested as he worked on some assigment for his Ecology class. Frowning in thought, Sehun did as Luhan asked but went to sit on his boyfriend afterwards._

_**"Luhan-ah?"** Sehun said as he settled in Luhan's lap, ignoring the older boy's protest that he was working._

_**"Hmm?"** Luhan finally gave in, hugging Sehun's waist. They looked ridiculous. Even though Sehun was younger, he towered over Luhan. Ridiculous as they might look, they looked cozy and untroubled._

_**"Are you allergic to sunlight?"** Sehun asked, resting his head on top of Luhan's and taking in his scent._

_**"What do you mean?"** Luhan's voice was muffled as he pressed his face to Sehun's side._

_**"Well I noticed you always want the blinds down on sunny days, you look uncomfortable when we're outside and it's bright and you always try to get us to go out on less brighter days."** Sehun voiced his analysis._

_**"I just don't like the sun."** Luhan replied, a little more subdued than his previous tone._

_**"What do you mean you don't like the sun?"** Sehun was a little incredulous._

_**"Think about it Sehun-ah, the night is dark. It doesn't lie, it doesn't promise brighter days. It's just...dark. That's all you get. Darkness. But the day...Sometimes you forget because everything is so bright and looks cheerful and just maybe it's going to be okay but the next day comes and you're still wishing for the same thing. A brighter day. But the night never lies, not like that."** Luhan said in a rush of one breath.Sehun was so confused, he didn't understand what Luhan was talking about, not in the least bit but he wanted to._

_**"Lu, I don't understand."** Sehun admitted._

_**"It's okay Sehun-ah. If you understood, it would mean that you've ever felt what I've felt and I don't want you to ever feel like that."** Luhan reassured the younger boy._

_**"Lu-"** Sehun started to try and get his boyfriend to elaborate but Luhan pressed a soft kiss to his forehead and burried himself in the crook of Sehun's neck, as if he were trying to hide from the world, as if he were trying to disappear into Sehun.This habit was becoming more recurring. And maybe that should have been a warning bell. Or maybe Luhan's words should have been. But Sehun missed both. And like everything bitter about life, he only recalled them when there was abolsutely nothing to be done._

 

 

 

Sehun was feeling the five stages of grief, except in the wrong order. Where he should have been in denial, he'd felt blinding rage. But now, now he was in utter denial. Luhan, no Luhan was still with him. This wasn't right. It couldn't be right. So Sehun picked his battered pieces off the grass soddened with his tears or the rain, or both, and started walking in a dazed staggering gait, towards the cozy bungalow they shared.

 

*

 

 

_**"Luhan."** Sehun whispered, holding his breath. His lungs had stopped functioning and he couldn't find his breath. Maybe it was because it was stolen by a certain short, honey haired boy with the most addictive lips and mellifluous laughter that was currently making his heart pound and his head light._

_It was their first year anniversary. Sehun had planned to spend it simply, with a dinner and a walk afterwards because just being with Luhan was an exhilarating priceless gift, he didn't feel the need to do anything extravagant. But Luhan, Luhan had a different idea. After their dinner, Luhan had awkwardly blind-folded a towering Sehun and asked him to come with him. Sehun felt his stomach drop, the world spun around him and everytime he made an attempt to remove the cloth on his eyes to check why the world felt so off kilter, Luhan would swat his hands away with a **"Patience Hunnie, patience,"** and proceed to intertwinning their fingers._

_Finally, when Luhan told Sehun to bend down and removed the blind-fold, it took a few moments for Sehun to get oriented with his surroundings and when he eventually did, his knees went weak and his throat became tight with clogged emotion._

_They were on a hot air balloon, many feet above the ground but what was below Sehun was clear as day despite it being night-time._

_They were flying over a medium sized field but the natural expanse of greeness was not what moved Sehun. It was the writing in it. Hundreds of candles lay in the field, spelling out the words that would one day make Sehun choke with love and pain as he remembered._

` _'Sehun-ah, the night does not make promises_ `

` _but I promise_ `

_` I will love you forever'` _

_the candles read._

_**"Lu-Luhan-ah."** Sehun choked, unable to find the words to tell Luhan how much he loved him, how much he took his breath away, every single day, whether it was the small things he did like kiss Sehun's eyelids when he thought he was sleeping or extraordinary things like hot air balloon rides at night and heart-stoppingly sweet messages in candles. Sehun didn't know how to say it so beautifully the way Luhan did so he said it simply._

_**"Luhan-ah, I-I love you...S-so m-much,"** Sehun stuttered, like it hurt to breathe, like his love for Luhan was smothering him. Luhan smiled, muttering a soft **"I love you more,"** before standing on his tips to press a pain-stakingly slow and sweet kiss to Sehun's lips. Sehun wrapped his arms around Luhan, pulling him closer and neither moved for the longest time. Maybe if their eyes were open, Sehun would have seen the tears brimming behind Luhan's closed lids._

 

 

 

 

Sehun wasn't drunk but by no means was he sober. He was definitely inebriated but it wasn't alcohol that had intoxicated and disoriented his senses. He staggered through the streets in a somewhat hurried fashion. He had to get home to Luhan.

"Wait for me Lu-deer, I'm coming." Sehun whispered to no one in particular, his voice a bit gleeful, tinged with just a little insanity.

 

*

 

 

_The first time Sehun saw Luhan cry, it was in June, on the longest and brightest day of the year, a good while after they'd got together.  
But **crying** just did not describe what Luhan was like. It wasn't crying. It was like empyting out everything that held your soul together, cracking and crumbling and just **falling apart** with such **agony** like your breath was being sundered from you, such agony that Sehun did not even know was even humanly possible to feel, let alone be felt by his sweet and delicate Luhan. _

_**"Luhan."** Sehun choked, almost like the night of their anniversary except this time he wasn't clogged with love, he was suffocating on pain, pain of having to see the love of his life in such a tormented state. _

_" **S-S-Se-hun?"** Luhan trembled, squinting, trying to see him through a torrent of tears. _

_**"Y-you're h-home ear-ly."** Luhan hiccupped, trying to rapidly wipe away the tears. Sehun said nothing, just wordlessly held Luhan. As Sehun held the now fragile boy, he couldn't help but wonder if this was a common occurence as Sehun came home later than Luhan. A lot of the times, Luhan would wait for Sehun by his college gates but sometimes...Sometimes he didn't and Sehun now wondered what exactly was happening to Luhan when he was not with him. It terrified him to imagine. _

_After the petite figure in his arms calmed down enough, Sehun tried to get him to open up, but he found out very quickly how adamant Luhan could be._

_**"Seriously Sehun-ah, I was just sad about something that happened in the past. I promise, I'm fine, especially now that you're here."** Luhan would smile brightly, his eyes shining with that internal light Sehun loved and Sehun, not wanting to push his lover, let it go, making a mental note to find out later what was bothering Luhan because that wasn't just sad or upset. It was the intricate poignancy of the broken. _

 

 

 

"Luhan-ah? Sarang, I'm home!" Sehun yelled, crashing through the door. Maybe he forgot that it was two a.m. or maybe he just didn't care. It seemed sanity had evaded Sehun that particular night. 

"Luhan-ah, you're scaring me, please come out." Sehun pleaded, stumbling from room to room, trying to find an absent Luhan. Their house felt eerily empty, despite nothing being out of place. There was definitely something amiss but Sehun couldn't bring himself to focus. He **had** to find Luhan, he was somewhere in the house, he knew it. 

Sehun checked under the table, behind the couch, looked up the chimney and all their hiding places from the time they played hide-and-seek. But it was a bungalow and there were only so much hiding places for a grown human being. 

"Luhan-ah." Sehun whispered in sorrow as he collapsed on their bed, savouring the lingering sweet scent of his honey haired, luminous eyed lover.

In the final flickers of hope, Sehun's eyes scanned the room to see if his boyfriend was hiding there but something on their bed-side table that caught his attention. Even in the dark, with the moon's white rays as the only light, Sehun could make out his boyfriend's handwritting. Abruptly with refreshed vigour and a clarity of movements that hadn't been present moments before, Sehun pushed himself off the bed and stood infront of the bed-side table. 

Lying on top of an A-5 sized leather bound book, was a white piece of note, not bigger than Luhan's palm. 

 

'I'm sorry Sehun-ah.   
I told you that the day lies.   
But the night is also guilty.   
The night is ephemeral.'  

 

*

 

 

_**"Sehun-ah,"** Luhan began as the two lay on the grass, watching the stars, hands intertwining, hearts beating in time. _

_**"Yes Lu?"**  _

_**"If you have something precious, completely irreplaceable and truly one of a kind, and then you lost it, would you bother looking for another?"** Luhan's voice was neutrally curious but underneath, desperation lay thick. _

_**"It wouldn't hurt to try. Maybe that thing wasn't truly one of a kind. It's a big world Lu, with endless possiblities. Why?"** Sehun his head a bit to look at Luhan, trying to figure out the meaning behind the cryptic question. _

_**"Nothing Sehun-ah."** Luhan whispered, sounding relieved. But his voice was laced with something else. Melancholy. _

_**"Luhan-ah, what did you lose?"** Sehun asked curiously. _

_**"Nothing yet Sehun-ah."** Luhan joked, fooling his boyfriend into thinking it was just a general question. _

_**"I love you Lu."** Sehun sighed in content. _

_**"I love you more Sehun-ah."** Luhan whispered his usual sincere reply. _

 

 

For many heartbeats, Sehun did nothing but stare at the book and piece of paper. 

'I'm sorry Sehun-ah.   
I told you that the day lies.   
But the night is also guilty.   
The night is ephemeral.' 

What did it mean? 

What was that supposed to tell Sehun?  
Would it bring Luhan back to him? 

Sehun stared until he couldn't feel his legs anymore. He was scared. Beyond scared, he was trepidated and all his cells were numbed by it, frozen. He was scared to open the book and see what was inside. He had feared that nothing could scare him more than what he had seen that morning but right then, he was sure the contents of that book might just stop his heart. 

"Luhan-ah, what is this?" Sehun whispered, after what felt like hours. Sluggishly, he reached for the book but his hand missed and he eneded up knocking it onto the ground. His knees gave in and he collapsed with the book. His actions were now one of an inebraited man again. 

He hastily picked up the book and laid it on his lap. 

 

 

*

 

 

_**"What's your favourite season Lu? Wait, let me guess, is it Winter?"** Sehun joked, nudging his boyfriend. It was an August afternoon, there was no sun and the clouds were gray. They were sitting on a bench, surrounded by leaves that were a plethora of colours. It had rained the night before and the ground was wet. The petrichor was thick in the air and by the way Luhan was breathing in so deeply, Sehun knew this was one of his boyfriend's favourite smells._

 

_**"Actually no, it's Autumn."** Luhan smiled, reaching up to ruffle his boyfriend's hair. Sehun laid his head on Luhan's lap while his body hung awkwardly over the arms of the bench as Sehun stretched over the limited space. Luhan immediately began stroking Sehun's hair, knowing how much his boyfriend loved it when he did that._

 

_**"Why?"** Sehun asked, looking up to his boyfriend, unwavering adoration in his eyes as he admired Luhan from beneath him. There was never a time that Luhan didn't look perfect. Not when he woke up, not when he was sad, not when he was sick. He was so agonizingly attractive and maddeningly adorable. Sehun didn't want it any other way._

 

_**"Because change happens in this season. Everything is dying. Look at the trees for example, they're shedding their leaves. Why? Because they're preparing for something worse, Winter is coming. Autumn is not misleading with the promise of birth or brighter days like Spring or promising longer days like Summer. Autumn is preparing for the cold, the darkness and the brutality Winter comes with."** Luhan said, exhaling deeply after pondering over his reply._

 

_**"Lu, I love you but sometimes you're so melodramatic."** Sehun joked, trying to lighten the atmosphere because during that explanation, his boyfriend's features had become rather forlorn and Sehun would have done anything to see him smile again._

 

_Luhan smiled but Sehun couldn't help but notice how dim Luhan's eyes looked. It was like the internal light was malfunctioning or had been switched off._

 

 

 

1/1/2014

 

New year.

Is there supposed to be a new me?

How could there be when everything is exactly as it was yesterday?

It may be a new year, but every monster remains to be a monster and

the dead remain to be dead. So tell me, what's new about this year?

 

 

17/4/2014

 

It hurts.

_Fuck._

I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know where to go.

Where can I run?

Where can I hide?

I've already run.

I've already left my country.

So where else is there to go?

Nowhere.

There is nowhere.

I can leave, I can run. I can go somewhere else.

But how can you run from demons where they

are right fucking inside you?

Do you cut your chest and rip it out?

I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired.

 

20/4/2014

 

Happy birthday to me.

I'm so glad to have all these people around me and

all these presents and this wonder-fucking-ful life.

Psyche.

I'm still a miserable fuck.

Like last year.

And the year before that.

Like all my life.

 

Sehun read on, even though he was terrified and confused and desperate. He finally realized after a few entries like that, that this was Luhan's journal. And **_fuck,_** he's never read anything so angst-ridden, so depressed, so full of _hurt_ and _anger_. He was having a hard time believing it belonged to his delicate and sweet Luhan but undoubtedly, the handwriting belonged to his deer-like boyfriend.

 

 

*

 

 

5/6/2014

 

Fuck.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

How many nights will I

feel so alone?

How long will I be so alone?

I want to die but I'm afraid I'm just going straight to hell.

But what could be worse than this?

God you insufferable prick, I hate you so much.

This is blasphemy, I know and one day I might regret it

but right now I really can't bring myself to care.

I just want to destroy something right now, like life has

destroyed me.

I hate myself, no one can hate me more than I can hate myself,

I hate everyone and everything and...fuck...I wish I could just stop feeling.

 

 

14/6/2014

 

_Pain. It's all I feel._

 

 

17/6/2014

 

Tired.

 

 

 

 

 

Sehun wasn't aware of when he had started crying but the tears he thought had ceased dripped endlessly from his eyes. Sehun noted that some entries were short, sometimes just one word while others were longer, sometimes there was one date for two entries but other entries were days, even weeks apart.

 

Reading Luhan's journal was gut-wrenching. Sehun wanted to vomit. But he couldn't bring his legs to function. Only his eyes skimming over the dead pages and his hand turning each page over functioned. Everything else seemed to be out of his control. Agony and sorrow seeped into his bones, Sehun could do nothing but keep reading. The worst was yet to come.

 

*

 

 

_**"Sehun-ah, you look so cold to everyone but you're so warm at heart. Tell me your secret."** Luhan said as he stared at his boyfriend in wonder._

 

_**"Shut up."** Sehun muttered, turning away in embarrassment._

 

_**"So you won't tell me your secret then?"** Luhan asked mischievously, approaching his boyfriend._

 

_**"Uh-huh..."** Sehun mumbled, unsure as to why his boyfriend had that gleam in his eyes._

 

_**"Then I'll tickle the answer out of you!"** Luhan exclaimed, jumping on Sehun and immediately beginning his onslaught. Sehun was extremely ticklish, it was one of his only weaknesses so he roared with laughter, begging Luhan to stop._

 

_But Luhan replied, **"Your laughter soothes my ears Hunnie, I'm not stopping!"** And for a few dozen minutes, Luhan tortured his boyfriend._

 

 

 

21/6/2014

 

Mom.

 

Mom I miss you so much.

Why did you leave?

Mom it hurts.

I miss him too and I hate

myself for it.

Mom, are you happy?

I'm miserable without you.

Hurry up and find me Mom.

I'm waiting.

 

 

 

23/7/2014

 

I don't want to be here.

I'm already feeling homesick.

But what home?

I didn't have a home there.

And I don't have a home here.

How can you feel home-sick

for a home that doesn't exist?

 

24/7/2014

 

Why does it hurt to breathe?

I'm not asthmatic.

But the air in my lungs,

feels like fire igniting my body.

 

 

1/8/2014

 

I remember when I used to think

'I hope when I wake up

tomorrow morning, this nightmarish

feeling fades with the night

and is burnt by the light of dawn'

How foolish was I? The day makes nothing better,

in fact being let down when things don't get better is

sometimes worse than the thing that's actually hurting you.

**BRUMOUS.**

My life is brumous, so is this season and I'm glad.

 

9/9/2014

 

How can one person be so brutal?

So evil?

So deranged?

How could he do that to her?

More than a decade since he took my

mother from me and I'm still trying to understand a psychopath.

Why?

How?

He said he loved her. But then he took her life.

God, how could you let that happen?

I thought you said you protected the innocent?

Are you even real?

Are you really there?

I want you to know that I hate you so much and

this is all your fault. 

 

*

 

 

_**"Sehun-ah, look!"** Luhan said in awe, staring at the sky._

 

_It was new year. The two had gone to see a firework display at a bridge. The explosion of colours in the black sky reflected in the dull waters like millions of tiny glow-sticks inside the water. It glittered and glimmered, a temporary beauty in a perpetual constant indifference._

 

_**"I'm looking."** He replied, amused. Earlier that evening, he had been beginning, practically grovelling for his boyfriend to come and see the display. And now it seemed Luhan couldn't bring his eyes to look back down. This, to Sehun's amusement when he found out, was because it was Luhan's first time, EVER, seeing a firework display._

 

_**"It's a temporary brightness."** Luhan suddenly said, taking him out of his head._

 

_**"What is?"** Sehun turned._

 

_**"The night's supposed to be dark. But this is a light that shines in the dark, I think..."** Luhan trailed off._

 

_**"What do you think, Luhan-ah?"** Sehun pressed._

 

_**"I think I like it."** Luhan confessed softly._

 

_He didn't know what it was, but a delicate sadness pressed on his chest, he didn't understand why but Luhan's voice had a certain forlorn note to it that residue-ed melancholy._

 

**_"I like it because it shines like you."_ **

 

 

 

 

 

Sehun's mind and heart were racing simultaneously. Besides the angst and agony, he was trying to figure out what Luhan was talking about in his journal but the mismatched information wasn't making much sense to him. But he could almost feel Luhan's pain through the pages. His writing was messy and smudged, like the emotions wanted to bleed through the pages because they couldn't be contained. It was evident something awful had happened to Luhan in the past. But 'how?' Sehun asked himself, how did he have no inkling of this when he'd been with Luhan for a year and a half?

 

*

 

 

 

11/11/2014

 

I met a boy.

His name's Sehun.

 

 

13/11/2014

 

He's really warm,

from the inside.

 

 

01/1/2015

 

For the first time, I

can sincerely say, things

are different.

It's a new year and things

are truly different.

And for the first time,

I've been happy.

Not fleeting, wistful happiness

but true, consuming, lasting

happiness.

Mom, I think he's my miracle.

 

 

12/1/2015

 

I'm scared.

I'm terrified.

Petrified.

I think I'm going to hurt

him. I don't want to.

I love him so much,

I've never held so much

conviction in any notion

before this but I'm sure with

every fiber, every atom of my miserable

being that I'm truly, sincerely and absolutely

in love with him.

But just like Dad hurt you Mom,

I'm afraid I'll hurt him.

 

 

Sehun's hands trembled. He was in a maze, bemused. But even in writing, Luhan saying that he loved Sehun made his heart flutter in unimaginable ways and he ached to hold him again, to hear it again, from his lips. He continued reading.

 

15/1/2015

 

I don't think I'm good for him.

He's so pure.

He's so precious.

But that monster also said he loved Mom.

But look at how things turned out.

What if I become like him?

What if I turn into an animal like him?

What if I hurt my Sehunnie?

My stomach hurts, just thinking about it.

I'd rather die a thousand times before I hurt

him. But I'm afraid that being a monster is in my

blood.

 

 

21/1/2015

 

He said he loved me.

What do I do?

 

 

24/2/2015

 

I feel so selfish.

I feel selfish for being happy.

I feel selfish for being in love.

I feel selfish for being in love with Sehun.

I feel selfish for feeling better.

I feel selfish for being alive.

Selfish.

 

 

03/3/2015

 

I'm trying hard to let go.

But where do I start?

Every time I look at him,

my heart hurts, to the point

that the idea of leaving him

steals the breath from my lungs

and makes me feel like I'm dying.

I've already found my precious gem,

the one specially made for me.

And I know that even if I search high

heaven and low hell,

I'll never find another like him.

I've already found my heart. So tell me,

how the hell do I tear it out? 

 

Earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis. Every disaster that could happen was taking place inside of Sehun right then. He gasped for air but it seemed the air was only poisoning him, choking him. Killing him. He suddenly remembered the conversation he had with Luhan asking him if he'd look for a replacement for something priceless. Sehun's whole body ached with regret as he remembered that he basically told Luhan he'd look for another to replace him. How could he have been so blind? And how could one bear pain as intense as such?

 

That entry was dated 03/03/2015, almost a whole year before the current date. A whole year before, Luhan, his darling Luhan, was planning to leave him. They were already doomed. There hadn't been a happily ever after written for them, right from the beginning. That was a chapter in their book that didn't exist. And that fact made Sehun almost dumb, deaf and blind with pain. But he read on anyway.

 

*

 

 

14/3/2015

 

Soon.

I promise I'll let him go soon.

But just for a while, I want to be

selfish. I want to be happy,

just for a little while. Can't I

have that? Just a while.

I promise.

 

 

 

25/3/2015

 

I never knew someone else's

happiness could bring me so

much joy but I swear I think

I feel the most joy

when he's smiling or laughing.

It's so soothing and pure and I

never want to stop hearing it, seeing it. 

 

 

 

05/4/2015

 

Time seems to be slipping away

like a thief at night. I don't know

where the time is going, it's slipping

by so fast. I need more time with him

but I know I need to let him go.

How did that monster rip out the

best part of him so easily?

 

 

 

20/4/2015

 

I feel so guilty, every time I

look at him. For the longest

time, all I wanted was someone

to love me, to not be alone.

But now I understand why

someone like me deserves to be alone.

I'm toxic, and I shouldn't be anywhere

near someone so seraphic.

This is a new kind of pain to me.

I thought I'd suffered the worst,

but this feels like a vital piece of me

is slowly being minced, with or

without my consent.

Let him go. Let him go.

Let him go. _Let him go_

you selfish fool.

Happy birthday to me.

 

 

 

The moon rays weakened and somewhere on the horizon, a new day was beginning but Sehun was stuck in all the yesterdays that led to today

 

*

 

 

17/5/2015

 

It's getting a bit painful,

smiling around Sehun.

Because inside my mind,

I know that one day soon,

I'll be gone.

 

21/5/2015

 

There's a stone in my

stomach and it's making me

feel sick.

 

 

9/6/2015

 

I hope he'll be happy

when I'm gone. I hope

he'll find someone.

I hope he'll fall in love.

I hope he never stops smiling.

Just one more day.

That's all I need.

 

 

"No you fool!" Sehun exclaimed, hurling the book at the wall, "No! I'm not happy! Not one bit!" Sehun screamed at the silence, clutching at his hair.  He lashed out at the bedside table, knocking the lamp and the odd bits and pieces on it. He turned over the mattress, he wasn't going to sleep ever again anyway. He pounded on the thin walls, making them cave, like his heart had caved in. He hit everything in his path, blindly, wildly, creating chaos but that chaos wasn't even a fraction of the depth of his pain. Aching and bruised, Sehun crashed down on the floor again, crawling to the journal and picking it up like he were nursing an infant. He read on.

 

*

 

 

1/1/2016

 

I guess one day meant

six months.

But I figured out something.

I can't leave him.

It's just...impossible for me

to walk out the door

and never come back to him.

I...physically...cannot do it.

But there is one thing that hurts

more than the idea of leaving Sehun.

And that's hurting him.

Especially hurting him like my

monster father hurt my mother.

So I figured out a way.

A way to leave without really leaving.

I'm sorry Sehun-ah.

 

 

8/2/2016

 

God, I've never really believed

in you before but if you're

really there, please give me the

courage to be brave.

 

*

 

 

 

 

1/3/2016

 

Sehun-ah. Sehun-ah my darling,

it hurts, doesn't it?

You are confused, aren't you?

You hate me, don't you?

You should Sehun-ah. You

should hate me very much.

You should have hated me from

the start. If you hate me, then

you can move on.

I'll tell you everything, Sehun-ah.

I'll tell you everything you probably

want to know by now, just

keep reading.

But first, never doubt that I love

you.

Never doubt that I never wanted to

hurt you.

Never doubt that it wasn't your fault.

I know this might leave you broken Sehun-ah.

So do the thing I never was able to do.

Pick up the broken pieces Sehun-ah.

And move on.

Promise me you'll do that Sehun-ah, hmm?

Promise.

Wo ai ni.

 

 

Sehun closed the journal, his mind lingering over the last words. He understood. He understood everything. But it didn't stop him from breaking completely, more broken than he was when he found out Luhan was no longer breathing, more broken than he was when he'd left Luhan's body at the morgue.

 

"I'm sorry Lu. I think I'd rather join you than move on." Sehun whispered brokenly.

 

 


End file.
